Zero Requirements

Much has changed in the past five years since I published my first blog under the name ‘Hoosier Gypsy’.  Over the years, I have occasionally found myself with moments of spare time to write a few excerpts about my quickly-changing life.  To be honest though, I began to feel like an imposter.

I no longer felt like the carefree spirit that I once was.  I had been replaced with worry and filled to the brim with anxiety, (and eventually depression).  My outlook had changed and I felt much less than inspiring to myself… let alone others.

So what happened?

Well, nothing but mostly wonderful things.  No, seriously.

In 2015, I was newly married.  Unlike typical newlyweds though, we didn’t revel in the glory of this lifetime accomplishment.  We didn’t go home together to our new apartment and open wedding gifts.  My husband was deployed to the Middle East SEVEN DAYS after our wedding.  I can recall our last night together before he left.  I made a reservation at this swanky downtown steakhouse.  That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re married, right?  Well, unsurprisingly, we were awkwardly unfamiliar with a menu that didn’t include side dishes with the main course.  Dinner was delicious, but I left there feeling disappointed.  Crazy enough, I thought this perfectly orchestrated fancy dinner date was going to set the tone for the following 9 months that we’d be apart.  I believed it would give me this sense of confidence to move forward and face the following day at the airport.  Spoiler alert, I was wrong.

No one and nothing had prepared me for that chapter of my life.  I had not even processed the thought of being married, let alone all of the hardships that accompany having a deployed spouse.

I made it though, with the help of my family and a few amazing friends.  It wasn’t always pretty, or fun, but I stood there proudly on the “Best Day Ever” to welcome home my husband.  And it was the Best Day Ever.  We could finally start our lives TOGETHER.

Then – wait for it – I got pregnant.  This was not an accident though.  Cooper was 1000% planned and prayed for.  We spoke about our desires to start a family young even prior to getting married.  Cooper filled a hole in my heart that I never knew existed, and being a mother is the ultimate gift.

A new mom is a wondrous and neglected thing though.  Everyone checks on the baby.  Everyone loves on the baby.  Everyone sees the baby.  As they SHOULD – but few see the new mom.  I sure didn’t.  A woman that in one moment is in pure awe over the little babe in her arms, and the next moment overcome with fear of the great responsibility to care for this new life.  A woman that goes days without a shower, years without a full night’s sleep and never puts herself first again.

My entire life changed faster than my mind could possibly process.

Our first night together in the hospital I set alarms every 30 minutes.  I had already been chastised once by a nurse for nodding off while he slept on my chest.  “We do not support co-sleeping,” is what she told me.  So I reluctantly placed him in the bassinet next to me and set those alarms.  Of course, I didn’t sleep.  Every time I would nod off to sleep the alarm would ring or I’d hear the faintest sound so I’d stare at his tiny chest and count breaths.  This carried on for a few more days… and that’s when we began shamelessly co-sleeping.

Unfortunately though, my anxiety had just begun to build.  Some days and weeks were better than others.

I spent my nights replaying tragedies over and over again in my head until I fell asleep.  I formulated emergency exit strategies in my head before I entered the grocery store.  I consistently cancelled play-dates and avoided social situations for the fear of having to fake my way through a normal conversation.  I was good at it though – faking my “okayness” and most days I even believed it.  This anxiety was hidden just beneath the surface – even my husband didn’t realize the full extent until I confessed to him.  That is by no means a slight at him either… or anyone in my life for that matter.  I have an incredible support system.  It’s just an example of how our minds are able to build up walls so tall that even we can have trouble seeing over them.

And I wish that there was some profound moment when I finally realized that I wasn’t okay, but I really don’t recall one.  I just remember admitting it out loud to myself for the first time and my brain just clicked with recognition.  Thankfully, this happened before the birth of my second son, Everett.

It’s taken months and months of meditation, hours of late-night conversations and a strict dedication to self-care… but I’ve found ME again.  I found the me that I want my boys to grow up and remember fondly.  I found the me that met a boy in Oklahoma City and fell madly in love.  I found the me that finds comfort in the written word… maybe even a little inspiring 😉

I’ve been reluctant to publish this blog for over a year now.  It’s very personal and I’ve even been embarrassed by the reality of it.  I convinced myself that I had to find meaning in it first because this isn’t what my life was supposed to be like.

I wasn’t supposed to struggle.

I wasn’t supposed to lose my light.

I wasn’t supposed to fake smiles.

I wasn’t supposed to miss laughter.

I wasn’t supposed to be ANXIOUS.

Life isn’t always fair though, right?  Although I don’t exactly care for that analogy because it implies that “poor me” logic, and I don’t want you to think that I’m just whining about my mostly awesome life.  Today, I found the meaning I was looking for though.

The Universe doesn’t say what you’re supposed to do.

No one does.

We build up all of these “supposed to’s” in our minds that often lead us down a dark path of comparison and disappointment.  You’re not supposed to always be happy.  You’re not supposed to lose the weight.  You’re not supposed to have an “Instagram” worthy lifestyle.  You’re not supposed to get that promotion.  You’re not supposed to get married or have babies or travel the world.

You can, but there are no requirements in life.

For me, realizing that today was the key to truly unlocking myself from the past few years of disappointment that I felt for how I thought my life was supposed to be.  It also allowed me to release the shame I felt for having let my anxiety steal so many “could be” moments.

My life is pretty damn incredible.  I have a handsome husband, two beautiful boys, a perfectly tiny home in Alaska and the freedom to explore my interests.  Some days I have worries.  Some days I get anxious.  Some days I pick myself apart for those things.  But every day I am living with the intention of choosing my own path and leaving those supposed to’s behind.  That’s all the Universe asks of us, and that’s all we should ask of ourselves.

xo